


Breadmione Compendium

by Acolyte of Breadmione (SandwichBandit)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Collaboration, Crack Fic, Discord: Bellamione Coven, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:28:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28755894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandwichBandit/pseuds/Acolyte%20of%20Breadmione
Summary: All the wonderful Breadmione fics me and my friends wrote. Yes you read that correctly BREAD.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Hermione Granger/Bread
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	1. Breadmione → by: ded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first of the Breadmione fics by the wonderful ded.

Hermione flexed her fingers, feeling the give as she worked. She ground down against the table, putting her whole self into the movement. Soft, pliable, made to be shaped. She shifted again and grunted as she pressed down hard.

This one needed a good beating. 

"Hermione, are you done with those loaves yet?"

Flour flew up in a cloud as she picked up the dough and slammed it back down on the counter. 

"The sourdough? It's in the oven. Twenty minutes."

"Okay. What are you doing right now?"

"I've got some things I need to knead out."

Another grunt and a cloud of flour.

"Sounds like something else, but I won't ask. Just don't destroy the kitchen, yeah?"

"This is between me and the dough, Harry. Leave us alone."

"Crazy baking witches..."


	2. Breadmione +1 → by: ded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By ded.

Hermione hummed quietly, a lullaby her mother had sung to her when she was young. She gently placed the small jar on the counter and peered in at the bubbles that had formed overnight.

"Is my baby hungry?" She cooed softly, pulling over a jar of flour and a bottle of water. She hummed more as she worked, creating a slurry. "Mummy will take care of you."

"Did you just call yourself Mummy?"

"Harry!" Hermione hissed, although her voice didn't get louder than an angry whisper. "You're not allowed back here this early."

"I'm still wondering about the Mummy thing," Harry replied, his voice lowering to match Hermione's. "And why are we whispering?"

"My starter needs quiet during a feeding," Hermione said. "Don't you, Lizzie?"

"Is that... you named your starter Lizzie?"

"Elizabeth Breadnet. I'm going to start a Mr. Yeasty soon."

"You've gone right round the bend, Hermione."

"Get out of here with your negativity. You'll infect Lizzie."


	3. Bread Bellatrix → by: Fj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the wonderful [Fjodor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fjodor/pseuds/Fjodor)

Bellatrix: Hermione! 

Hermione: Bellatrix? Where are you? 

Bellatrix: On my workbench Hermione 

Hermione: Are you invisible and you're gonna like zap me with a crucio? 

Bellatrix: Turn the bread over 

Hermione: What? I'm gonna touch it and you're gonna tell me it's a magic intestant or something 

Bellatrix: C'mon, flip the bread, Hermione. You're not gonna regret it the pay off is huge. I turned myself into bread Hermione! Boom! Big reveal, I'm bread what do you think about that? I turned myself into a bread! What are you just staring at me, cutie? I turned myself into bread Hermione 

Hermione: And? 

Bellatrix: And? What more do you want tacked onto this? And the battle of Hogwarts was an inside job? 

Hermione: Was it? 

Bellatrix: Who cares Hermione? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before, I'm bread! 

Bellatrix: I'M bread BELLATRIIIIIIX!


	4. Angsty Breadmione → by: Megatron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the Great Cybertronian Baker, Megatron.

When Ron finally managed to break down the door and rushed inside the room, he was shocked to see Hermione huddling herself in the corner, a breadknife clutched in both hands. Hermione was trembling, her skin as pale as the winter snow. All around her lay shredded and hacked pieces of loaf barely suitable for feeding the birds.

Ron carefully approached Hermione, kneeling down besides her. "Hermione?" he asked softly. "What happened?"

Hermione looked up, eyes still wild. "He... he just came at me..."


	5. Untitled → by: Megatron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again by the Great Cybertronian Baker, Megatron.

Hermione sighed heavily. This was too much. Simply too much. "I told you before! Stop tempting me!" Hermione shouted. The sweetroll on the table remained, as ever, silent.


	6. BREADatrix Lestrange → By: Acolyte of Breadmione

Floating bread? What was Hermione’s life coming to? Floating bread phantoms in the kitchen. A clear sign of her deteriorating mental state. She needed rest. But that’s when it spoke to her, “Whole wheat or white bread?”

“Uhhh.” Hermione stuttered. Yep talking ghost bread, she completely lost it. Looking at the floating loaf, she answered, “uhh rye bread.” The last thing she wanted was for it to leap into the toaster or something and expect her to eat haunted bread.

“Good choice.” The magical bread summoned a loaf of (probably magical, but not currently talking) rye bread. A knife flew into the air, and descended on the fresh loaf, cutting off a slice. Was this a murder? Bread killing bread?

While Hermione wrestled with the morals of sentient bread and eating other bread kind her meal was ready.

Warm rye bread covered in butter.

A butter message, _Ron’s not good enough for you!_

“He doesn’t deserve you, pet.”

And that’s when the voice clicked.

“BREADatrix Lestrange!”

_Standing in her kitchen, or rather floating in her kitchen. After all these years, haunting her bread. Breadatrix Lestrange, in her kitchen, with a knife. Sounded like a horrible game of Cluedo._


	7. Untitled → by: Megatron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the Great Cybertronian Baker, Megatron.

What happened to her? God, she never should have picked up that cursed item in Knockturn, even if the discount was nice. Now here she was, in the family kitchen on top of the counter and turned into a loaf of bread. She felt airy, light and properly delicious, and wondered how she could even think these things without a functioning brain in her body. It was all decidedly odd. Unfortunately, she also lacked a mouth to speak or muscles to move, so she could only sit there being bread.

There was a rustle from upstairs and by the sound of slightly stomping feet, Bellatrix had just woken up. Good, she would help her return to her normal self.

Bellatrix stomped into the kitchen, looking as if she had woken up way to early for her liking. The dark witch brushed some curls from her face and headed for the fridge. A groan sounded. "Pet!" she shouted towards the living room. "We're out of cereal again! I thought you said you'd pick up some!"

Hermione sighed in relief when she saw Bellatrix turn her head in her direction. Surely her wife would figure out a way to turn her back.

"Ah, such a considerate pet my Hermione is," grinned Bellatrix and, to Hermione's horror, fished a jar of jam out of the fridge and opened the drawer to fetch a bread knife.


End file.
